6 -- No, 12 -- Ways To Save Money on Groceries

My first thought when I read this article -- 6 Ways to Save on Groceries -- was to stop buying groceries and just eat out all the time. It's WAY more convenient, it's tasty, if not terribly salty (but my early death would save a TON of dough), and I don't have to clean any dishes.

Plus, I save about $20 every time I didn't go to Safeway (gas is not $1 any more).

But then I thought, I owe it to my readers to give them some safe, sane, and sound financial advice.

For those of us who don't clip coupons (I'm really lazy, but I'm not this guy), here are a half dozen ways to save money grocery shopping.

1. Don't buy pre-packaged food
2. Buy generic or store brand
3. Write a list and stick to it
4. Be smart about organic food
5. Use the unit pricing labels on the store shelves (though I can't wait for a chain to post the wrong unit prices just to get people to buy the more expensive size)
6. Don't waste food

To this list, I'll add:

1. Shop on a full stomach. You'll stick to your list and/or buy less impulse items
2. Self check-out. You ever notice those lines don't have nearly the impulse item temptations?
3. Don't buy bottled water. It's simply stupid.

A few cheats:

1. Drop a carton of eggs and then tell management you'll take it off their hands for 1/4 the price (a good deal if you break less than 3 eggs of a dozen -- remember the unit pricing!).
2. Break open a candy bar, eat it, and toss the wrapper while you're in the store. Nobody will ever know. Grocery stores are no longer stocked with help, just checkers, and they're going away too (see Self check-out above).
3. Wear baggy clothing and hide beef -- lots of it -- in your pants and shirt.

Of course, I say this in jest. Shoplifting is a serious crime. Plus, those that get away with it make the rest of us pay more for our groceries.

You could always go BIG-TIME and defraud the government by lying to get food stamps.

Okay, that's a felony. But you'll save even more in the pokey, where food is free. Plus, you get access to a full library, free cable, and a gym. Not a bad deal. All in exchange for freedom (highly overrated).